Do not stand
by sarbey
Summary: There are a lot of secrets buried in Brennan's past. When Angela announces that she is pregnant it's time to face one she would have rather kept that way. But maybe new joy can help to overcome old pain. A story about friendship in six parts.
1. Unexpected

A/N My first story for this fandom. A story about friendship and love in six parts. Story is finished and I'll be posting one chapter a week. The only real paring in this story is Hodgins/Angela though the last two chapters could count as BB preship. Personally I'm a huge shipper but the main focus in the story will be the friendship between our favourite heroes. Hope you like it. Let me know what you think. Disclaimer is in my profile.

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_ Do not stand at my grave and weep. _

_I am not there. I do not sleep._

When Temperance Brennan was a child she had a lot of expectations for her life. She wanted to grow up first and foremost, she wanted to marry someday and she wanted to have a family as happy and content as her own. Becoming a world-renowned scientist was somewhere thrown into that bowl of wishes but that had never really been a question to begin with. Her father had once told her she could become everything she wanted and after that she never questioned it again. Things would simply work out, she knew with the confidence only very young or very rich people could manage.

Unfortunately life has the habit of happening while we're still busy making plans and so at the tender age of fifteen, Temperance found herself abandoned and being thrust into foster care.

Now, even if it wasn't in her nature to give up that easily, this ordeal was a huge blow to the young girl and she retreated behind carefully erected walls that would be her fortress for a very long time.

The years she spent in various foster families and later in group-homes formed our future anthropologist into a cautious and seemingly icy young woman.

At first her outward shy appearance made her a target of those who had been in the system for much longer but her shell hardened soon enough and she became well-known and feared in the ranks of the social workers that were assigned to her case.

Her saving anchor came in form of a lost grandfather who pulled her out of the system and provided her with the safety and stability she so desperately needed.

Through all the time she had found a sanctuary in the logical world of science. After finishing high school prematurely she enrolled into college and it soon became apparent that she had a knack for forensic anthropology.

Contrary to popular beliefs it hadn't been the puzzles or the logic in the subject that attracted her but the words.

One look at a picture of the human skeleton

_Femur, tibia, scapula,_

and the words had seduced her, pulled her in and sealed her fate.

Despite being a very logical person she was also a very aesthetic one and even though she would never admit it to her these words were simply beautiful.

Shortly after beginning her studies the young woman began to blossom and it soon became apparent that she wasn't just very intelligent but brilliant and had the potential to be one of the best someday.

She kept busy, not giving herself any time to really think between studying, or have a life besides anthropology. Someday around her 21st birthday she finally made it to her first date, a young law student who was pleasant enough and made her laugh.

He became her first lover.

They spent weekends at her or his apartment, rarely leaving the bed but both well aware of the fact that they would someday part ways again, their expectations of life too different for any kind of future together.

They ended it, when he transferred to another university on the other side of the country. It was a mutually friendly parting and they both knew that they would probably never see each other again and neither of them had a problem with that.

Temperance expected her life to simply return to what it was before again.

But life has a habit of throwing you curve balls.

Four weeks after his depart, Brennan found herself sitting in the bathroom of her small two-room apartment staring at the barely visible blue line on the white stick she held in her right hand.

How the hell had this happened?

She knew, of course, the biological requirements, but still this was a bit of a surprise, considering that she had been on the pill.

A visit to her ob-gyn two days later revealed that she obviously belonged into that less than one percent group that got pregnant despite taking this kind of precaution.

Once again her life was put on hold, she knew that and once again Temperance Brennan dealt with it in her usual way.

She adjusted.

Once upon a time she had wanted children, a family but back then she had envisioned having the husband to go with it and she certainly hadn't expected to be only 22 when the time arrived. Having a child and at the same time continuing with her studies would be difficult, she knew that, but Temperance Brennan had never backed away from a challenge.

The next nine months put her through an emotional wringer. She turned from joy about the pregnancy to fear about the uncertainty of her and her child's future in a matter of seconds. Her fellow students learned to fear her moods during that time and at the end of the nine months she was physically and psychically exhausted.

It was just her luck that when her water broke she was standing arms deep in the remains of a 500 years old woman.

Roughly sixteen hours later Emily Marie Brennan came into this world and upon seeing her daughter Brennan thought for the first time since her parents disappearance that maybe life had a purpose despite her work.

The eight years old girl that had once dreamed of white picket fences and the perfect family had gotten science and the life of a single parent instead and she couldn't have been happier.

All was well in the life of Temperance Brennan or so she thought.

Two years later her whole world came crumbling down.

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Next chapter tells the rest of the Emily backstory and then we'll move forward to present time.


	2. Last Lullaby

A/N thanks to Daisybelle and dr. tempe bones for the reviews and thanks to everybody who read and those who added the story to their alerts. Here is the next chapter and it's very sad. But it will get better:-) Now enjoy!

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_I am a thousand winds that blow._

_I am the diamond glints on snow._

„Leukaemia?" she asked, not really believing her own voice at the moment. It couldn't be, could it? The Doctors sympathetic voice faded into the background and his face blurred before her eyes as she fought with the tears. Her little baby girl slept peacefully on the examination bed not at all disturbed by the terrible diagnose her paediatrician had just revealed.

It wasn't supposed to be like this or was it? Her daughter should be able to live a peaceful life without the impending threat of death and a horrible chemotherapy in her imminent future.

It had all happened so fast, one moment they were happily celebrating Emily's second birthday the next moment the little girl had been diagnosed with one of the probably worst deceases existing. Soon enough Emily was transferred to another doctor, an oncologist who was supposed to be one of the best and they started treatment immediately.

The next weeks and months Brennan and her daughter spent almost every minute with each other. She took a semester off and dedicated every waking hour to her little girl who grew sicker with every passing day and during that time old insecurities started to resurface.

People she loved left, either by choice or some horrible twist of fate. And every time she scolded herself for those thoughts because fate didn't exist, she'd always believed that she had to find her own way. There was no higher authority that decided whether people lived or died. And for the first time in her life, Temperance Brennan wished she could believe. Wished she could believe in a God that loved and held their lives in his hand. She wanted to believe that he wouldn't let her daughter die, that he had some grand plan she just couldn't recognize yet.

And sometimes she wished for someone she could put the blame upon. Because if there was a God, how could he let that happen?

How could he put an innocent child through something like this? But logic and science dictated her life and despite everything life threw at her she found her believes still as strong as ever so there was nobody to blame but science that now seemed to fail in saving her daughter's life.

One day, it had been an particular gruesome one for both of them, Brennan found herself in the hospital chapel staring at the pictures of the saints that had never really meant anything to her, frozen faces in stained glass.

In retrospective it would become one of those moments that make you change your life, you find everything around you slowing down to a point where time seems to stand still and suddenly you view your life with the accuracy of a hawk spotting his prey.

Your life under a magnifying glass.

She was alone.

It was such a simple realization and yet it was the most horrible thought that flew through her mind.

While she had various acquaintances and colleagues there was nobody to lean on, nobody who would listen when she needed to talk. Emily was the one needing her strength, her parents where gone and her brother might as well have been. Her grandfather had died about a year after her daughter's birth.

So essentially she was alone.

And suddenly that hurt. She had never really cared for other people since her parent's disappearance, the walls she had put up too high to overcome for most people. But now she found herself regretting never having made the effort to befriend other people because if she had she wouldn't be alone now.

But it was too late for those regrets by then, Emily needed her and she couldn't afford being sidetracked by her own insecurities so she repressed these thoughts and returned to her daughter's room.

Six months passed and Emily didn't get better. Her professor reminded her that soon enough she would have to decide whether to take off another semester or not but that decision was taken from her in a cold November night.

Emily died.

Later she would remember falling asleep in the chair next to the hospital bed, with a textbook about human anatomy threatening to fall to the ground. The light falling through the curtains woke her the next morning and despite the stiffness in her neck the first thing she noticed upon opening her eyes was the complete and utter silence in the room.

And then she knew.

It was over.

Her baby girl had died; quietly at night and in her sleep.

From that time on until after the memory service things seemed to pass in a haze. She could barely recall calling in the nurses and speaking to Emily's doctor. One of the nurses she had come to know fairly well over the months helped her arrange the funeral and she would be eternal grateful to the woman.

On the day the little girl was buried it had started to snow so the whole graveyard was encased in a frosted white blanket. The temperature had fallen the night before and now matched the icy feeling in Brennan's heart.

And standing there while the earth fell onto the small white coffin she wanted to scream.

She wanted to scream that her daughter wasn't supposed to lie in that cold grave. She wanted to tell them to stop because nobody should be buried so deep and then be forgotten over time but she stayed silent.

Because who would have listened?

Because now she truly was alone.

And the few walls that had slowly began to crumble since Emily's entrance in this world where up again and they where mightier than ever.

The wind whispered a gentle lullaby while more and more earth covered the shiny white surface.

And Temperance Brennan cried.

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Reviews are as always very appreciated :-)


	3. Great Expectations

A/N It's short, I know but the next one is longer:-)

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_I am the sunlight on ripened grain._

_I am the gentle autumn rain._

Pregnant.

The word kept repeating in her head over and over again until she wanted to scream.

Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.

They say if you repeat a random word as often as possible it looses its meaning and starts to sound ridiculous after some time.

It was a beautiful late summer afternoon when Temperance Brennan discovered that they were right.

She was supposed to be happy, right? She should be happy for her friend.

So why did she feel the ice creeping back into her heart, the ice that had over the last years slowly started to melt while working here.

She watched through the glass walls of her office as Angela embraced her husband who had a stupid grin on his face at least that was how Booth would describe it. Hodgins bent down and whispered something in Angela's ear making her giggle and Brennan could see the joy in both her friends which only made her feel even guiltier for feeling that horrible dredge in the pit of her stomach.

The feeling didn't pass even when the happy couple long since had disappeared from her view she still sat almost frozen at her desk, lost in memories she would have preferred to never revisit again.

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While Brennan was lost in her past Angela stood in front of her newest piece of art. After telling her best friend the happy news she and Hodgins had a brief chat and then they'd gone to finish the rest of the day. And somehow she had ended up painting this 'thing'.

She was never one to underestimate her own work, she new she had talent but the result of her working rush this afternoon puzzled her.

While it radiated a certain intensity it felt wrong somehow. It should reflect the happiness she was feeling in bright cheerful colours.

Instead it was…sad.

Yeah, that was exactly how she would describe it, sad.

And she couldn't shake the feeling that it had something to do with Brennan's reaction to her news that afternoon.

The artist had gone to her friend's office in a quiet moment to announce her pregnancy almost giddy with the hormones and caught the anthropologist deep in thought over a report.

"Brennan, can I talk to you for a moment?" she'd asked grinning.

"Sure Angela." Her friend had looked up then and smiled at her. Apprehensively Angela had stepped into the room and closed the door while nervously wringing her hands. She hadn't been sure how to start the conversation if she was honest. Even though she knew that Brennan herself didn't want children she was sure her friend would be happy for her so she'd just blurted it out.

"I'm pregnant."

Brennan just stared at her and blinked once her face showing confusion.

"I'm sorry, did you just say you where pregnant?"

Angela had just nodded and held her breath. Needless to say she had been rather surprised when her friend stood up, rushed over to her and embraced her in an almost bone crushing hug. After a moment of surprise she'd hugged her friend back and she could have sworn she heard a suppressed sniffle when her friend whispered to her that she was happy for her. After she'd left Brennan's office again she couldn't shake the feeling that something about the whole scene had been slightly off.

So maybe the depressing colours in front of her didn't reflect her own feelings but her friend's.

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Over the next few days Brennan's behaviour grew even more puzzling. One moment she was the woman they all knew and loved the next moment she was cold and distant.

Angela had told Booth the happy news the same day she'd told Brennan and he too had caught her in a bone-crushing hug but unless Brennan's this one was filled with the apparent joy the agent felt.

It was Booth who first noticed that Brennan seemed to be uncomfortable in Angela's vicinity and he first noticed the strange her behaviour put on her relationship with everyone else and especially Jack Hodgins.

Booth knew Brennan didn't want children and sometimes questioned the rightness of bringing children in a world like this but he'd thought she could put aside her opinion and at least be happy for her friend.

And then he noticed the changes in his partner's appearance. She'd become thinner over the last few days and paler if that was even possible. The evening they'd gone to Wong Foo's to catch dinner she'd barely even touched hers and Sid had thrown him a concerned look when she wasn't watching.

So today, approximately four days after Angela had announced her pregnancy to her friends and colleagues, Booth found himself leaving work early. He'd planned the next hours meticulously figuring the best way to approach his partner was to treat this the same way he would plan a battle strategy with the exception that Brennan's defences where much stronger than those most enemy's had ever thrown his way.

A quick visit at Angela and Hodgins to ask if they knew anything useful had only brought a few well wishes and Angela's plead to find out what was wrong with their friend.

Now he was standing in front of her door balancing Chinese takeout he'd gotten for free after he'd told Sid about his intentions for the evening and waited for his partner to open the door and let him in.

The sight that greeted him when the door finally opened was certainly not the one he'd expected.

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Thanks for all those reviews. You guys rock:-)


	4. Who She Is

**A/N** Health issues forced me to go on temporarily hiatus and then to the hospital. But I'm better now and more important, back to a computer with internet, yay. So hopefully I should be able to finish posting this in the next few days. Hope some of you are still reading :-) Hope you enjoy this chapter.

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_When you awaken in the morning's hush_

_I am the swift uplifting rush._

Brennan looked like a mess. The usually so calm and collected anthropologist had obviously been crying, her eyes were red and puffy and upon seeing him she sniffled somewhat pathetically. Her normally neatly done hair was tied back into a messy ponytail and she wore a tank top with a pair of sweats.

Wordlessly she stepped aside to let him in and he made his way to her kitchen setting the takeaway on the table.

"Do you…do you want something to drink? Coffee, maybe? I could make some. Or would wine be better. I have that, too." Her voice was hoarse and his heart constricted at the pain so openly visible in her fragile appearance. She tried to pass him but he caught her arm and turned her around to face him. The expression in her eyes hit him like a brick wall and before either of them could say anything he caught her in a gentle hug careful as not to hurt her. She may have been his strong and stubborn partner on a normal day but now she was the woman with whom he had the probably most complicated relationship of his life, always more than a friend but never as close as a lover.

And she was in pain.

At first she stiffed with his arms around her but slowly she relaxed and he felt her hands moving on his back while her head settled into the crock of his neck.

After a while he felt her starting to shake slightly and he realised that she was crying, her hands holding tightly onto his suit jacket.

He pressed his face into her hair and savoured the scent of her shampoo, some herbal thingy with an underlying scent that was undeniably her.

As quietly as her tears had been she calmed down again and pulled back, one hand coming up to stroke over the now slightly wet front of his jacket almost apologetically. He caught her wrist with one hand and with the other he lifted her chin making her look at him.

It's all right, he said with his eyes; conveying things he wouldn't dare to say out loud, at least not yet, not at this point in their relationship and she answered with a tired almost not quite yet smile, letting him know she understood.

Pulling out of his embrace she went to get some plates and a bottle of red wine and they started to prepare their meal.

Dinner was a silent but comfortable affair. He tried to distract her with trying to steal from her plate and she answered with flicking rice corns at him.

Before they could brake out into a fully – fledged food war however they'd finished, he was still astonished that she had actually eaten everything and she finally started to speak.

"Booth?" she asked in a timid voice.

"Hm?"

"When I show you something, do you promise not to interrupt me before I'm finished?"

"Of course." She smiled and got up motioning him to follow her. They came to a halt in her bedroom and she crouched down and pulled a small wooden box from under her bed. Wordlessly she sat down on the warm red duvet that covered the large double bed and moved to sit crossed legged against the headboard. He watched her puzzled and she rolled her eyes at him and patted the space next to her a small smile creeping onto her face. He toed of his shoes and sat down next to her, mirroring her position.

Slowly she lifted the lid of the box, which was covered with an intricate carved pattern. A beautiful piece of work.

Inside where officially looking documents and upon seeing them an uncomfortable feeling settled in the pit of his stomach.

The first looked like a birth certificate.

She took the single sheet of paper and placed it in front of them on the bed. She then carefully lifted the stack of photos that were hidden beneath from the box and handed them to Booth.

"Seeley Booth, meet Emily Marie Brennan." He wanted to say something but she shushed him and he remembered his earlier promise to stay silent until she finished her story.

And so he listened while he carefully took in each photo. He listened to the tale of a young, twenty something anthropology student who had found herself unexpectedly pregnant.

He listened while she told him of late night studies and morning sickness and the single most frightening and most beautiful moment of her life.

The birth of her daughter.

But while she told him all this he dreaded the end of her story because he knew this hadn't been a fairytale. There would be no happy end, no rainbows and no sunshine.

And so he listened when she told him about the diagnosis and the hospitals, the chemotherapy and the months of uncertainty. And when she came to the end of her tale he noticed that sometime during the last minutes she had gripped his hand and was now holding onto it tightly. He squeezed it, reassuring her and she finished the story with the funeral of the little girl he would never get to meet, Brennan's daughter, a beautiful, innocent child who had been taken before her time.

"It's not…it's not that I'm not happy for them. I am. But I thought I had dealt with this a long time ago. And now it seems that I didn't. And it hurts, Booth. I never thought it could feel like this again, so painful and…just painful."

Speechless for a few moments Booth gathered his thoughts and tried to find words he hoped would help his partner. When he'd come to her this evening he certainly hadn't expected this. But it explained a few things, he thought. It explained her reluctance to have children and the initial awkwardness she sometimes presented around them.

He turned her hand and rubbed over the palm with his thumb, tiny, circular, soothing motions.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, I'm sorry that I'll never get to meet that little girl on these photos. She must have been amazing; she was your daughter after all. And if you need anything, if I can help you in any way, tell me." She looked at him and smiled through a mist of tears in her eyes.

"You already do Booth. You being here helps more than you can possibly imagine." He answered with a smile of his own and she lowered her forehead against his chest prompting him to drop a kiss to her hair.

"I think I need to tell them. I want to do it tomorrow. Will you be there with me?"

He tightened his hold on her.

"Always."

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